A friend recently shared her reflections on raising her tween daughter, and noted that young girls want to feel special, but not to the point where they no longer fit in with their peers. I couldn’t help but reflect how much that summarised my own teenage years.
My adolescence was replete with anguish about how I stood out like a sore thumb for all the wrong reasons, and it was book ended with how I never felt like I belonged anywhere. I wore thick glasses and was an avid reader of books in a working-class suburb of rough necks and a multitude of different cultures.
And even though these emotions still co-existed among my extended family, there was a sense of comfort in knowing we were all navigating our unique quirks, but were still unconditionally loved and accepted, despite them.
Cousins. Aren’t they an extraordinary species?
We share half our DNA with them, and spend most of our childhood together, but as middle-aged adults, we are often in each other’s lives because we have chosen to be friends.
Our memories are often of the same events, but our triggers are varied depending on our gender and birth order. Throw in a variety of attachment styles, and a spectrum of sensitivities, and you have the perfect blend of our initial teachings outside of school.
Our wounds are also likely of a similar nature as we navigated similar family tragedies and share comparable moments of shame, but much like our suffering and grief, our pride is collective and could almost burst at the seams when recalling moments of triumph.
These seeds of thought first hatched a few weeks ago while I was away in the country at my cousin’s farm. I mused at how 4 days away was never an issue, as I used to lecture on yoga teacher trainings and run my own retreats. (And once I find some mental bandwidth – I’m hoping to arrange another retreat sometime soon!)
After 2 days, I am usually at capacity and crave to experience my comforting solitude once again. But this time was different, as in addition to experiencing loss, our family had also extended, so there was an updated collective to get acquainted, and learn to co regulate with.
It fortified that sense of belonging and mutual holding of space and wonder. Because at the end of the day, we want to be relatable. And special. But we also want to fit in.
Our blueprint for that sense of belonging, is stamped by our family or origin and as our frontal lobe matures and our own set of morals start to form independently, we redefine our sense of ordinary by updating our selected templates.
Some experiences that were acceptable and even considered ‘normal’ in the 80’s, are now unequivocally rejected by some laws and subcultures. There’s a hazy grey line between “well back in my day, we just had to learn to be tough” and “if that happened today, you’d go straight to prison”.
As individuals, we are all a walking autobiography of all of our life experiences, and as a collective subculture, we get to a season of our life when we can make deliberate choices about the traditions that align with our values, and the customs we’re happy to leave behind.
I was reflective about this while getting ready to celebrate Orthodox Easter with my family a week later. My contribution to the elaborate preparations is minimal, except for the occasional sharing of a funny meme, attendance of the Sunday lunch and avid consumption of the delicious meal.
But I’m also acutely aware that this season will not last for much longer, as it will soon be time to step into more of a matriarchal role that holds a few more responsibilities. As the last born in all my extended family, I’ve used up almost all my ‘get out of jail free cards’, and in the next few years, I may just have to step up if I want these traditions to continue.
Til next time, I hope we cross paths soon,
As a bonus, but mostly because I was too busy to email you last month, I also have a 2 part interview about understanding autism. In part 1, Dr Fiona Aldridge shares how the DSM 5 criteria helps define autism.
In part 2 of her interview, I ask her about a variety of different assessment tools that can be used to help diagnose autism, and she breaks down how 3 of them are used. Feel free to share these with anyone you think will find them helpful.