As much as I’ve come to love writing posts and articles with the intention to inspire (and possibly entertain you), today I’m popping in nice and quickly to share an article that has stirred up something in me.
Much of my personal life has involved the learning and of many lessons, with the intention to embody the medicine and the wisdom from each moral experience with enough grace, humour and wisdom to share with others.
While I don’t always get the trifecta in all scenarios, I do get the privilege of learning a lot through the transformational work that I’m privileged to be part of as a yoga teacher and therapist.
In the spirit of not wanting to re invent the wheel, I came across this simple article that I’ve shared with many of my 1:1 clients these past few weeks.
It’s really helped to put a few relationships into a more empowered and enlightened perspective for them during our sessions together.
If you’re too busy or can’t be bothered reading another post online, I’ve taken the liberty of making a quick summary for you.
Okay, so when it comes to toxic relationships and managing your energy so that you don’t get depleted, here are 6 quick questions for you to ask yourself when it comes to that particular person:
1. Are you exhausted after spending time with them?
So you’ve just caught up for a quick coffee, yet now that you’ve parted ways you feel wiped? That’s one symptom of an energy vampire. Another is feeling very angry, and this could be for a number of reasons. One is that they’ve dominated your time together either with their energy or with their words (see the next point), or because your soul has a stirring that something is really wrong, but your heart and mind haven’t processed the block or the misalignment just yet.
2. Can you get a word in the conversation?
Does this person rant incessantly about themselves, or are the topics you talk about centred around their interests? Maybe you’ve been determined to make it about you next time you see them, only when you do, they’re quite obviously disinterested, seemingly distracted by their phone, or suddenly have to leave for another appointment? Do you really want to be close to a person that doesn’t want to hear about your perspective in life?
3. Do they respect your time?
Is this friend constantly running late? (And while we’re on the subject of time – do you ever do this as well?) One of the most poignant of the 5 yamas from the Yoga Sutras is the concept of ‘asteya’, which can be interpreted as non stealing. Running chronically late is stealing someone’s time, but the real question I feel compelled to ask here is, why aren’t you reinforcing your boundaries? What is it about your words and actions that is sending mixed messages about how valuable you and your time are?
4. How are you feeling? How is your body reacting?
Feeling tense? Are you clenching your teeth? Does your entire body feel rigid around that person? Or maybe you’re feeling nervous or anxious before you see them, and not in an excited kind of ‘we’re-about-to-go-on-a-date-and-I-think-I-really-like-this-person kinda way. If your body is reacting like this, chances are you’re pre tempting some kind of attack like a barrage of negativity or criticism. Remember, our bodies are cleverly designed – they always know.. its our mind that can convince us otherwise.
5. Are you caught in a gossip trap?
Are you connected to someone via the bad news you discuss about other people’s lives? If this is the case, then not only is your auric field a container for that negativity (which will also attract other like minded negative souls like a magnet sticks to your fridge), but its also an imbalance in your throat centre (chakra). Words have power and if you’re using yours to perpetuate a vicious rumour that holds someone in a negative time warp, well many shamans will tell you that this is indeed a form of black magic.
6. Do you withhold positive news from them so that they don’t get jealous?
This is a big one and for a few of my clients, this last point has been a HUGE eye opener. If you’re an empathic person who can really feel what others are feeling, then it’s likely that you’re prone to taking on their ‘stuff’. It’s also just as likely that you want everybody to be happy and not in any way upset with you. Except that true friends are happy when your life is going well. Toxic friends are jealous and will compare their own life to yours instead of celebrating your wins.
I have a theory that we can sometimes get stuck in a story and forget that it needs an edit both with the dynamics we share with someone and with the boundaries around our friendship. Sometimes our close friends and loved ones go through a rough time or a painful transition and as part of our love and care for them, we make a few allowances for their behaviour so that they can heal – we just forget to give it a good update!
Til next time, Patty xx